Happy New Year, I hope this finds you happy, not to heavy on the bill or weight department and ready to get through the next couple months of winter before spring comes back.
The kids are getting big. Emily’s birthday was Sunday and she turned three…three going on 18! “'I need raisins', or (in a very whiney voice) 'Nose wiiiipe!,'” are examples of some of the statements she makes to us. We have to reply to her with the Parents Handbook of Etiquette for Little People a.k.a. P-HELP Affectionately known as "Please-Help". (Soon to be available at your local Borders Books or in the automotive section of 7-Eleven.) P-HELP’s teaches us to say to our kids, “I need raisins PLEASE.” Instead of Emily sounding like a Russian czar demanding more raisins be brought in by peasants from the fields.
She’s potty trained 90%. I say 90% because if she gets lost in a DVD some times I’ll walk into the room and there’s an odor that wasn’t there a minute ago. Ah, the odor of poo and the joy of being able to go when and wherever you want. Not to be confused with the popular book, The Tao of Pooh, my Tao is no poo! That other 10% is also us having to ask her if she has to go pee-pee or poo-poo so it’s not automatic. I want to say to her, “Hey, hey, hey! (Almost yelling because I can't get her to take her eyes off of Dora the Explorer) Emily, don’t you have an urge or thought that something needs to happen…now?!” Luckily she’s learning and cute so it’s all part of the process.
I’ve decided my next career move (#33 of 50 for those of you keeping score at home) will be that of a kids DVD critic. I like to make comments about Dora, The Little Einstein’s, and Sesame Street since I’ve seen them 9,000 times and because I know the story so well it’s time to start looking for the 'easter eggs'. Dora the Explorer, for example: In the opening credits she’s singing with a singing monkey who knows English as well as she knows Spanish. Twisting and turning on vines and holding on to a rope that’s coming from a moving airplane and landing in a moving car. When I was 3-5 years old I don’t recall these abilities. Hum could that be an issue with me or the alcohol I consumed my freshman year in college…ah, life’s mysteries.
Then, thanks to the Short Attention Span Theater that my daughter is a troop member of like every other three year old, Dora has to repeat the goal of the episode in song 78 times. “Where are we going? Tallest mountain! Where are we going? (clap, clap, clap) Tallest mountain! Where are we going? Tallest mountain!” In another episode everyone is singing, “One big wish”…then again in Spanish and it sounds something like, ‘Un des blah-blah.’ All together now: “One big wish. Una des blah-blah.” Dora’s best friend is a monkey named Boots who loves to wear boots. After watching this episode again my friend is a guy named Knob Creek and he’s very smooth.
My version is: “Where am I going? To the ‘mute’ button!”
“Where are we going? To the liquor cabinet!”
“One big drink…una tequila mas grande.”
Besides that they sing on a bike and manage to maneuver on a road that twists and turns all the while looking to their right at my kid. Pretty amazing vision if you ask me. Dora also has a clairvoyant backpack and map that are friends of hers you have to call their names out—multiple times--in order to get them to listen to you. I’m waiting for an episode where Emily will say “Backpack!” and the backpack will say back to her, “I want raisins!” Backpack magically knows what you need like pepper to make a whale sneeze, a rope to climb
Ah, the twins. They are so different from Emily at this age. She was the one who wasn’t that messy and is still pretty organized and structured with her toys, like lining up the rubber ducky’s at the dinner table. Jordan and Grace are in to everything! We had to move books off the book shelves to give them more room for their toys so they could play and discover more stuff. Being in to everything is a far departure from Emily who didn’t tear in to everything like these two do.
Grace has started standing unassisted for 5-10 seconds at a time and when she does she raises her arms up above her head and gets excited. It’s almost like she is having her own personal “come to Jesus” moment. This along with her finally getting some teeth is the big news for the beginning of the year. Ms. Gracie is my ‘Little Rascal’ and I just know she is going to be the one who gets a tattoo her junior year of high school and fails to tell mom and dad. She’ll be doing something like pulling on the plexiglass cover we have over the stereo system under the TV and I’ll say to her, “No, no, no Gracie.” She will then turn around and give me this sly grin ‘I know what I’m doing daddy and don’t you worry.’
Have a great day and next time I’ll be writing about a new stock index I want to push, BABY, and My Day As a Baby.